Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
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I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
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