Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
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So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.