Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
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Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
My blood type is b hungry.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
How do you milk an almond?
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.