Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
You Might Also Like
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Sunday
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
This is enough internet for the day.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved