Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
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In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.