Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
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Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I didn’t come here to be called names
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.