Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
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Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.