Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
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Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?