@Heatinblack

Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro

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@Laser_Cat

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

@leahlovescheez

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

@MooseAllain

Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

@OllyiConic

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

@FeralCrone

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

@maisondecris

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

@MatCro

COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

@Woody_B_

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

@squirrel74wkgn

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*