Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
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How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.