Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
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*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.