saving face 馃憖
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[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she鈥檚 really good.
Saw online –
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i鈥檓 adorable
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
if you鈥檙e not easily offended, why are you even here?
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It鈥檚 like he doesn鈥檛 even know me at all.