Saving my good tweets for marriage
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It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second