Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
You Might Also Like
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy