saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
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Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
If you know, you know
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened