Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
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Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I am, perchance
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.