Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
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Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point