Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
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My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Otters see a butterfly.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
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I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.