Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
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I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.