Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
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I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
how high up are we talkin’?
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.