Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
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Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Muppet Screams
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes