@nevernicethings

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

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@Norsebysw

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

@PyrBliss

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

@joejwest

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

@DamonHunzeker

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

@CandyEmpires

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

@JohnLyonTweets

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

@victorlavalle

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

@UnFitz

“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”

Caller:

“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”