@aksorojas I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
@MavenofHonor Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
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@aksorojas 
@JayMindX I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
@squirrel74wkgn [at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
@squirrel74wkgn Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
@SICKOFWOLVES MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
@fro_vo ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
@IamEveryDayPpl Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
@XplodingUnicorn Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
@TheWoodenslurpy [commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
@mdowd If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2