Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
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[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
mood
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good