Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
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Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
S M O L
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.