Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
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If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Dead sexy!!
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”