saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
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I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
do horses think humans are hats
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Oh we’ve met.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.