Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
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Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?