Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?
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Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢