Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
You Might Also Like
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days