Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
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How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne