Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Brilliant!
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?