Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
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[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.