Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I needed a laugh this morning.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Important reminders
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start