Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
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I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod