Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
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RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.