Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
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The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Butt weight. There’s more!
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.