Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
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Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?