Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
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[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I cannot call her anything else now
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.