Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
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Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.