Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
You Might Also Like
You鈥檝e got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Sorry I鈥檓 late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Probably the most empowered I鈥檝e ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Toh the desire to sin is so great 馃槣馃槀馃槃馃ぃ馃し馃槣
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money鈥檚 worth
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what鈥檚 in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM