Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
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skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Cake!!
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
excuse me
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
🤣dope