Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
You Might Also Like
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article