Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
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Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.