Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
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I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!