Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
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The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet