Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
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My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
it be like that
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Gods work.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.