@mattZillaaaa

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

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@AHMalcolm

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

@hbombmom

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

@FriedWords

Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!

@offbeatoliv

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

@XnotafunnyladyX

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

@cravin4

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

@J_Dazzle76

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

@PinkCamoTO

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

@samalmightysam

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end