Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
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[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.