Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: is it the body in my trunk?

cop: haha

me: haha

body in my trunk: haha

CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?

Me: For like important stuff I guess.

CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!

Me: I said impor-

CNN: Using chopsticks!

Me: She did WHAT?

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.