Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
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in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*