Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
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My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Note to self: always read the final line
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.