saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
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No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar