Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
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I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE