Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
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Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Brilliant!
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
listen closely
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.